Dear Sir
May I express once again my profound thanks for your invaluable assistance in the case of the fourteen Irishmen found drowned in the River Orwell. Your assessment of the facts was absolutely spot-on, and all had indeed perished whilst trying to perform 'Riverdance'.
As you correctly surmised during our telephone call on the 12th of last month, we do indeed have a further case in which we would appreciate any assistance that you would be able to render.
The case centres around a young lady of somewhat easy virtue and (apparently) a certain laxity of morals. This young lady, (let us, for the sake of argument, call her 'Miss Y', although she may well say 'Why not?') apparently consulted her G.P., Doctor Abutme Harelos, on a medical matter that must, due to the doctor-patient confidentiality laws, remain unknown to us. Suffice to say that when Dr Harelos discovered the full ins and outs (perhaps not the best expression to use, given the nature of the lady's profession) of the complaint, he referred her speedily to the West Suffolk Hospitals Genito-Urinary Clinic.
Two top surgeons in the Genito-Urinary field, Mr Harry Chopper and Mr Willie Leyvett-Outt, and the U.S. surgeon Mr Homer Secks- Ewell, whose expertise in a similar area has revolutionised patient care, were all invited to attend Miss Y.
It is alleged that Miss Y became somewhat agitated as Mr Chopper stated that due to the fact that surgery was required, Miss Y would be required to remove her pubic hair. This, I am given to understand, is a standard requirement prior to any medical surgery, but Miss Y was not willing to accept that.
After Miss Y was assured by Matron Les Baynian that she would not allow the surgeons to remove Miss Y's muff, it seems some complications set in. Matron Baynian had to be forcibly removed from the operating theatre for seemingly refusing to remove her hands from Miss Y's pubes, and was then sedated upon the orders of the resident psychologist, Dr Ivor Scrooluce.
Matron Baynian was a little disconcerted to discover that after she regained conciousness, she was in an almost identical position to Miss Y, minus the prospect of surgery.
Dr Scrooluce had been apprehended in the hospital car-park wearing just the Matrons tights and brassiere. Dr Scrooluce is unable to account for his actions, or indeed how he came by (whoops!) the Matron's undergarments. Neither is he able to offer sufficient explanation as to the discovery of Matron Baynian wearing slightly less than when she last had a bath. He did offer the Matron full use of his Pritt Stick. This is the basis of the report as noted by Wpc Ophelia Collar after his subsequent interview at Raingate Street Police Station.
Meanwhile, after surgery upon Miss Y had been completed, the three eminent surgeons had left the premises. Some hours later, Miss Y awoke and, unable to find Matron, started on a little exploratory surgery on her own.
Upon discovering what she had been told would not happen, Miss Y contacted a solicitor, Mr C. Lee Farquar, and asked him if he would advise her if she would be entitled to any recompense in law.
Mr Farquar returned to his office and after consulting his colleagues in the Spit or Swallow wine bar, answered in the negative. At this news, Miss Y broke down.
Upon asking why Miss Y was so upset at this news, Miss Y replied that some of her 'gentleman friends' may not be too happy at the prospect of a less than complete set of tools. Upon further enquiry, Mr Farquar ascertained that Miss Y was, in fact, in the common parlance, a bit of a tom (a prostitute).
"Dry your eyes, Miss Y,"said Mr Farquar. "We've got them for having the roof off your workshop!!"
Following a further visit to Miss Y's home, Detective Constable John Bobbit had a tip-off, but hopes to be back on duty by the middle of next month.
I wish you the very best of luck in your investigation, and re- iterate that if you need any further assistance, please don't hesitate to ask.
Yours faithfully
Nick Emhall
Chief Constable